Mind-full

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Once again I find myself wide awake in the early morning hours, which has been the story of the week. Its funny how much running into an old teacher and friend can do. I mean I have off and on wondered how in the hell I left school but there was just something about saying it to one of my favorite teachers and seeing/hearing her reaction to the news first hand. It was like a combination of shock and disappointment and I don't know which was more disconcerting to me. I feel like an ass for letting someone down who I know wants me to succeed and devotes her life to helping everyone who goes through her class succeed. It makes me wonder how many other people I have let down in the same way all because I can't seem to pull my head oit of my ass and choose a stupid major.

I just don't know what has happened to me. Was it losing my scholarship? Being in a class with a pompous professor who seemed to think the best way for everyone to learn was to ask at least one question every class regardless of the possibility of missing lecture points because you are too busy trying not to forget your question before she actually called on you? Did I just burn myself out when I chose to make sure a friend knew someone was always there and that she got out of her situation safely (which I will NEVER regret doing)? I've been out of high school for four years and what do I have to show for it? Just a pile of credits without enough in one area to be able to graduate! I just don't know where to start. Taking the career test might help but iunno. I get so pissed at myself when I see everyone else succeed while I'm still stuck in the muck on the side of the road. What the hell has snapped inside of me since high school? What has everyone else seemed to gain that I have lost? I have ideas that I think could help change the world in which we live and yet I have no idea how to put them into action. I seem so close to the point in life where I can break out into the world and make a difference but at the same time I seem to be so very far from reaching that turning point. I know that really only I hold the answers to my own questions but at the end of the day I don't know how the hell to dig them out of myself and get to where I want to be.